My little Ox

First an update:
* Charly looked peaceful today. Her favorite nurse Allison put a bow on her head, and she looked much better. I've never been a girly girl, but just saying...she's pretty cute when she dolls up!
* Drum-roll...Please.... SHE POOPED! Yipee.. I keep praying her intestines are safe from NEC!
* Her blood gases looked good - so no need for an x-ray today (it ruled out collapsed lung).
* We reviewed the images of her head ultrasound. There is a lot of white matter on the right side of her brain - which indicates possible swelling and brain damage. I keep praying that the white matter will dissipate and the damage to her sweet little brain will be minimal. I felt nauseous as we reviewed the images - and the feeling hasn't really gone away today. I keep hoping and praying for miracles each time we see those ultrasounds. And in the back of my mind...I remind myself, "It doesn't matter how handicapped she is, she is still my little Charly-Bell"!
* All of her cultures are coming back negative so far, whew, keep it going Charly!
* Another piece of bad news is that Charly is having seizures. She has been pretty jittery lately, and was given some anti-seizure medicine. If it helped...well, we knew why. And, it did.

We discussed possible complications during NICU rounds. Charly is still facing so many hurtles and challenges. We are watching swelling on her brain from the brain bleed. Swelling would be really, really bad, and we are hoping and praying that doesn't happen! They are watching the hole in her heart, but today...it sounded like it might be closing. So there as we have been told a few times...it's a roller coaster in the NICU. Charly is a little fighter and we know she's here for a reason, so that sure helps.

How am I really doing? Good question. Today I felt a little more helpless. We have been warned about the ups and the downs, and to take it a day at a time...so I'm trying to do that. I have been thinking a lot about the story of Mary Fielding Smith. "Mary Fielding Smith was left with a large family when her husband, Hyrum, was killed with his brother the Prophet Joseph Smith. She was determined to travel to the Salt Lake Valley with the Saints and managed to gather wagons, oxen, and supplies for the journey. Mary was told she would be a burden to others, but she pressed forward. Her young son Joseph helped care for the oxen and cattle along the way. Mary relied on the Lord when her oxen became sick and when the cows became lost. With courage and faith Mary led her family into the Salt Lake Valley."'

I have thought a lot about the story of Mary's Oxen, "one hot day, one of Mary's best oxen collapsed. The wagons behind Mary's were forced to stop. It looked as though the ox would die. The captain came and declared that the ox was dead. He said he would have to find a way to take that wagonload the rest of the way and that he had known all along Mary would be a burden.But Mary's faith never faltered; she "went to her wagon and returned with a bottle of consecrated oil. She asked her brother Joseph and James Lawson to administer to her fallen ox" (Corbett, Mary Fielding Smith, 237). So Joseph Fielding "knelt, laid his hands on the head of the ox ... , and prayed over it." When the prayer was finished, a moment passed; then, to the astonishment of the onlookers, the stiffened ox stirred, gathered his legs beneath him, stood, and "started off [pulling again] as if nothing had happened"

I feel as though Charly is my little Ox. I so want her to be blessed - for a miracle to take place and for her to "start pulling the wagon as if nothing had happened". Now, I know I am not in charge here...but I am in the "box" I talked about earlier. It's not my will, and Charly knows she can stay with us or return to her Heavenly Father. As a protective mom on a pioneer journey of my own...I hope for my little ox, I love her and pray for her earnestly. I know that she has touched many lives for the good, and it's a miracle that so many have love for such a sweet little spirit. Words can't express what is truly in my heart, but I will just like Mary Fielding Smith..."keep the faith, rely on the lord, and stay on this journey with my little Charly." Keep going my little ox!