Looking Back

I sometimes try and fight the urge to go here, but oh well...here I go.
As I cuddled Charly tonight (she's been more snugly since her g-tube issues) I could feel her breath on my neck. I found myself listening closely to her breathing...not worried or anything like that...just listening and feeling so grateful that I could actually feel and hear her.

Every mother will tell you that having a baby will change their life. Jaxon did it for me, and Charly has definitely changed my entire existence. When I quit my job I was so worried about everything that I will need to do at home. I'm adjusting okay and I'm LOVING every minute I get to spend with my family.

But, I struggled with many things, but one guilty pleasure in particularly was a little challenging for me to face. What was it? You ask? Well, it was the thought of having to give up Cable Television and no longer having The Food Network. I know, sounds crazy right, but seriously... (I know some of you are out there) it's like the one thing that I can just sit and do mindlessly. It's one of the silly things that have helped me "get-through" some tough nights of restlessness. Anyhow, to the point. I honestly don't get to "watch" much television taking care of Charly. She's not the typical baby (I know you know that). It takes me several hours each day just monitoring her feeding, burping her g-tube, administering medications, attempting to feed her (sheesh, ya'll know my issues here), moving her from the bedroom to the living room, changing diapers, and so on. I think you get the picture. So, I haven't had much of a chance to keep up on my Food Network, but I am SO EXTREMELY HAPPY about it...because it means that I'm doing the right thing, and that my mind and body are where they need to be.

Getting back to the beginning of the blog post now: I started thinking while feeling Charly's breath on my neck. I transported back to the day before I had her...that HOT summer day in July. I had spent ALL day cleaning, organizing, and making our home spotless in preparation for our Korean exchange school teachers. I knew that I overdid it, and was completely exhausted. I went to a wedding that night and left a little earlier than I probably should have because I was just so tired (Austin & Virginia pictured).

Looking back...I wish that I would have noticed what or if anything was happening with my body. Was the fatigue something that could have set off my preterm labor? Could I have found out a little earlier that my water was slowly leaking?

There really isn't anything that comes to mind that informs me of what I could have done to prevent Charly coming early. I don't have (or at least they haven't found it yet) ANY medical explanation as to why I had her early. I have no explanation as to why I had miscarriages, etc. It's not that I think about this all the time, honestly, I rarely think about it. But, here I am...looking back at what was just about to happen.

My WORLD has completely changed. My thinking has changed, and I'm hoping that this experience is making ME a better person from knowing and loving Charly. I see changes in John and in Jaxon and I am so incredibly impressed with the human beings that they are. They are so good to me, and to Charly. I have a lot more change to come.

For now, I am embracing and LOVING every single minute I can feel this little girl and her sweet little breaths on my neck.