I don't want to be popular

I grew up in a loving family, with amazing friends who loved me just as I was. I was never considered "popular". In fact, a majority of my childhood was spent being ridiculed for one reason or another. My most obvious imperfection was my weight. I was a pretty easy target. Although I had my share of sopping up wet pillows at night because of the cruel words that were spoken (or shouted) to me...I think I turned out relatively perfect (okay, not perfect, but just fine!).

I have thought a lot about how I was made fun of when I was a child...since having Charly. Over the last several weeks I have wondered about how her life will be growing up. Will other children make fun of her, or hurt her? Will she feel as perfect about herself as I feel about her? Will she understand how the world can be so cruel, but things...especially good things...always come out "relatively perfect".

This topic should be one of the least of my worries, but none the less..it is very real. Although a sensitive subject for me...it's a blessing to even think of Charly's future.

A few years ago I took my Mom to see the Broadway Musical "Wicked". I LOVED IT. One thing struck me so interesting about that show...was the song "Popular". If there was any character I could relate to...it would be that of Elfaba (thank goodness my parents named me Angie). I remember in high school how badly I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be able to walk down main hall without being heckled at, or hearing a cow bell...with some jerk mooing while I walked past. I only wanted to be accepted for who I was...not for how I looked. I didn't have a green face, but my obvious imperfections were known not only to myself, but to those who mad me an easy target. During the play, I remember thinking..."I did NOT want to be popular!" I wanted to be able to walk down the hall and just be invisible.

Maybe it's crazy, but I'm not scared of being a parent who needs to raise a handicapped child. I am not worried about me...I'm worried about Charly. I have felt an overwhelming sense of love, tenderness, hope, and happiness from this little girl. She has been such a brightness of hope! What happens if other people, especially children...don't see that? I still don't know what her future holds...maybe she will be challenged, and maybe she won't. Either way...she will be my perfect little miracle! In a way...I feel like some of the things I went through growing up and in high school...were things that prepared me to be who I am now, and will help me be a better mother for Charly and Jaxon. It's hard growing up, it's hard figuring out who you are and what you want. I feel such a sense of gratitude for the blessings that I have been given. Although some of my growing up memories weren't ideal - they helped shape me into the person that I am today. I hope for these same things for my little Charly and her big brother Jaxon.

Charly on 9.10.11