Trading the Corporate Ladder for a Cookie Cutter

"The greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what LOVE is". ~Henry B. Eyring
Driving home from work on Friday was different. It was a day that I had anticipated for two weeks...and often wondered how I would feel. As I got into my car and drove up the hill on 56th...my mind was running a million miles an hour wondering how I was going to do this.

It felt like I was driving away from a good friend.

Coincidentally, the song "Time After Time" (by Cindy Lauper) came on. For a moment I was taken back to my childhood...and then it clicked...the job that I had just left was telling me "If your lost you can look, and you will find me...time after time". It sounds crazy, but leaving my career to be a stay at home mom is HUGE for our family. I really liked my job. I needed my job. We NEED the income... and I liked the career path I had set for myself and the dream to get my Masters in Health Administration. I know leaving my job to take care of my family was, and is the right thing to to, and then I laughed hysterically. I found it funny that my "job" was singing goodbye to me...but telling me at the same time..."If you fall...I will catch you...I'll be waiting"...lol. A job is a job...and I can always get a job.

I felt better thinking of John, Charly, and Jaxon. And no matter what happens in the future with my career, or no career...for that matter...that staying home is the right thing to do. I've officially traded my corporate ladder for a cookie cutter (I do have a mean sugar cookie recipe!).

John and I have been talking about the decision to stay home for months now. In preparation a few weeks ago I started setting "domestic" goals for myself. I made scalloped potatoes from scratch (not from the trusty box) and it was a complete disaster. I even followed a recipe. Who screws up scalloped potatoes? There were only 5 ingredients! Well, I did! This is one example of how I am in the kitchen (sorry to disappoint all of you who think I'm a domestic goddess...you have me mixed up with another blog).

Being a mom comes natural to me. I love my kids. I love my husband, but being a "stay at home mom" definitely DOES NOT come natural. I have to work at it, and work HARD.

I've always been the type of person that wants to do EVERYTHING. I go to a restaurant and I want one bite of EVERYTHING on the menu. I went through 5 majors in college in order to finally decide on what I wanted to major in. I just wanted to do a little bit of everything. Some days I want to be an airplane pilot (thinking it will help me overcome my fear of flying/heights), other days I want to be a Nurse, a Lawyer, a Health Educator, a Manager, a Writer, or work for a Production Company. Just ask my husband...I know I drive John BONKERS because I am constantly all over the place thinking and wanting to do something...and never finishing most of the things I start.

So, I can say I "WANT" to be a stay at home mom, but it honestly scares me.

In my mind I have mapped it all out...I'm going to wake up early, exercise, get Jaxon to school, take care of Charly, clean the house, organize, cook, decorate, blog, and have a cheerful attitude.

Realistically, I might actually accomplish three things on that list in any given day...lol. I guess I am considering myself a "stay at home mom" in training. I need A LOT of help. I need help organizing, decorating, cooking, and well...just about everything a "stay at home mom" does.

My best friend EMILY came up a few weeks ago and brought her recipe books.

A few Saturday's prior to that...she spent the entire day making freezer meals for us, and they were DELICIOUS. So, in an attempt to help me learn how to cook a few things...she walked me through the recipe, took me to the grocery store, and then spent all night making meals that I could learn to make and freeze. THANK YOU EM! John has been a super happy husband because everything I've been cooking (besides the scalloped potatoes...RIP) are all freezer meals that Emily showed me how to cook.

Many wonderful women in my ward have brought meals to us for MONTHS. Words can't express how thankful I am for this...it has truly been a blessing. Just the other day Chandra dropped off dinner. I asked her for a recipe and she looked at me laughingly and said "there is no recipe...it's just something I just threw together!" That's pretty amazing. Thank you all so much for your kindness!!

Words can't express HOW HAPPY I AM TO BE HOME! I look back and I can't believe that I even tried working after I had Charly. Four weeks back to work after a HORRIBLE c-section, working and going to the NICU everyday, and worrying about my little Charly and Jaxon ALL THE TIME. I can't believe I did it. I know I couldn't have done it without ALL OF YOUR HELP. I have met some INCREDIBLE people and had so many wonderful compassionate friends, neighbors, and strangers who have touched my life for the better. Thank you!

Now, it's my turn to focus on the things that matter most.

The day Charly was born...we fully and completely expected her to die. I never...in my most vivid, Anne Shirley (Anne of Green Gables) like imagination could believe that she would live being 16+ weeks premature. When the NICU Neonatologist and NNP asked us if we wanted to "withdraw" on Charly...I had the most intense, incredible feeling in my heart and soul. A feeling that I have only felt a very few select times during my life (when I prayed to know if the Book of Mormon was true, when I knew John was the man I was to marry, and the day I gave birth to Jaxon). I knew in my heart that she was OURS. I told John that I would sacrifice ANYTHING in order to fight for her. I told him I would stay home, or work 2 jobs, or quit school, or move into a smaller house, or even if we had to go bankrupt...I would...I would do EVERYTHING to save this baby.

I am so glad that Charly is here. I feel so unworthy of all that she is...and all that she was brought to me. She has been my miracle in so many ways, and I know this is another step in the right direction. She needs me now. She needs her mommy to be home and she needs to have consistency.

I need her too. If something were to happen to her...and I spent my days at work instead...I would never forgive myself. I didn't quite feel this way before...even when she was in the NICU. Maybe it was because of the financial impact she has had on our family...or whatever...but for now...I am taking a huge LEAP OF FAITH. I'm going to work on being a better person, developing some skills, and being thankful that I have the opportunity to have a FOREVER family.

Please keep me and my family in your prayers. I'm not quite sure how this is all going to work out, but I know it will...we will all be just fine!