Tracy's Story

What you are about to read is Tracy's Story. 

It is worth reading from TOP to BOTTOM.  Please grab a Kleenex with me.  Here goes:

"The first time I saw Charly Bella’s blog I fell in love with her and her family. Sometimes I think we go through hard times to have our hearts softened so we can be there for others. You see I have been in that situation with a baby you love more than life itself, hoping, and praying for a miracle. I’ve been there four times hoping against all odds my babies would make it.

I married my high school sweetheart; he was and continues to be my prince charming.

We found out we were expecting a few years after we were married. We made it past the 12 week worry of miscarrying and just though we were home free. We began buying and decorating for our new baby. The thought of anything bad happening had never crossed my mind...up until this point in life I had lived a very “normal” life. 

At 20 weeks we found out we were expecting a baby boy! We couldn’t have been happier…. But just a few short weeks later at a routine doctor’s visit our dreams were shattered. They could not detect a heartbeat and a few moments later an ultra sound confirmed it our little boy lay there lifeless inside of me. They induced labor and about 24 hours later I gave birth to a beautiful boy, ten toes, ten fingers, and a little bit of blonde hair that curled around his neck. 

My doctor at the time said he didn’t see anything concerning that this is just “something that happens” and “every women loses at least one baby”. Young and new to this world I took his words as fact. It turns out there were so many women out there who had lost a babies too, way more than I realized. I went into a severe depression; the whole world seemed to have changed. I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. Our lives became a little obsessed with death we visited a lot of cemeteries and would read all the headstones of little lives lost. We buried our baby in a nearby cemetery in an unmarked grave.

A few years later we became pregnant again. It wasn’t planned but we were happy. I was so scared to get past that dreadful 24 week mark that we lost our last little guy. Every doctor’s appointment my heart would race and then almost stop completely as I laid in silence waiting to hear that heartbeat. The doctor ran a few routine blood tests and things seemed normal. He assured me it was going to be ok this time. It appeared to be a text book pregnancy. Not realizing I was high risk I continued to see a family practitioner, only one ultra sound at 20 weeks…. Again a beautiful, healthy boy. Everything looked perfect. 

I didn’t dare buy anything for him yet, I didn’t think I could handle the pain of putting it all away again. I was extra tired, but what pregnant women aren’t right? I thought I was just a bad pregnant person and I told myself “buck up push thru”. I changed jobs this pregnancy to have one with less stress where I could rest a lot throughout the day. A baby clothing store.  I would look at things and get too scared to get excited of having a baby to actually take home. 24 weeks came and went and the baby was doing great! It was the Holiday season and Christmas came and went as well. 

The night of December 29^th we had spent the night at my mother in laws house. I hadn’t felt the baby move a lot through the night and was scared… was it happening again? Early on December 30^th I had a strong pain right below my ribs and called my doctor. He was out for the holidays but they instructed us to go the the emergency room. They assured me I was just paranoid but better safe than sorry. I was so thankful when we got to the ER and they found that little heart beat right away. I thought we were in the clear. But within moments the room was racing with doctors and they all looked scared….some of the other tests were coming back and things weren’t good.

My husband looked scared and asked the Doctor  “my wife, shes gonna be ok right?” The doctor kind of just shook his head and said “on a scale of 1-10, 1 being dead, your wife is a 2” . I saw the tears in his eyes and was shaking with fear. They had called for life flight to come get the baby. I remember watching my legs shake as they put a catheter in. Scared to death we had not had time to call family. I asked my husband to call my mom. In the meantime his mom had called to check on us and the hospital told her they couldn’t give info over the phone but she should just get there. They asked if I would rather be awake or asleep for the birth. I said “if I’m going to die I would like to stay awake as long as possible” The doctor nodded and said he would keep me awake as long as possible. 

Our little boy was born on December 30^th. I was 32 weeks gestation. Our baby suffered from severe growth retardation and weighed only 2lbs 1 oz. He was taken by life flight to a hospital in Provo my husband left with him. I was still unstable and stayed in our local hospital. It was the millennium and our family was apart….But our “Trey” was alive and his prognosis looked good. On January 2^nd 2000 I was allowed to make the trip to Provo to be with my baby. I was pumping milk but he couldn’t have it yet. His numbers didn’t look good his white cell count was very low and our little guy was struggling. I didn’t wanna leave his side but on the morning of January 3^rd we left for shift change and walked across the street to the Ronald McDonald house to brush our teeth and freshen up when we got the call. 

“Mrs Jarman? Your son isn't doing good…" I’m not sure what all was said but he urged us to come back to the room. We walked in just as they were resuscitating our son. He was breathing but the doctors felt he was brain dead and we made the choice to allow them to stop life support. 

They removed his tubes and handed him to us.  He died in my arms in just a short time.

Greif counselors made molds of his little hands and feet and took pictures of us with our son…. Pictures I can’t look at to this day. We were able to dress our little man for his casket, I wanted him to wear little socks on his little feet. We had a small service for him later that week. He remains forever in our hearts.

This took such an emotional toll on us. The doctor on call that day took a lot of interest in me and sent the placenta off for testing. He told me this was not normal and should not keep happening. He consulted with specialists around the state and asked me to come in for testing. The test they ran they didn’t even know how to in the lab and had to look it up first. 

The doctor recommended me not getting pregnant again.. Possibly ever. 

A short time later he called me at home I had tested positive for antiphospholipid syndrome. He told me to stop taking my birth control immediately as it could be fatal to me…but again highly recommended I not get pregnant. I began studying a lot about this disease and found many stories where women had healthy babies with treatment. There was hope...but the pain was fresh. 

The thought of having to bury another baby was unbearable. So I became a workaholic and tried to hide my pain and cried almost daily for the babies I lost, what could have been and the desire to have a baby.

On a beach in Hawaii in March 2008 I told my husband in tears that I wasn’t happy and didn’t think I would ever fill fulfilled without children. I wanted to try one more time for a biological child. He agreed and said “who knows we could even have one before the end of this year” . That’s not even possible I told him. We laughed but were scared and excited to finally face our fears and go again. 

We never really “tried” to get pregnant but in early July 2008 we were expecting. We immediately saw a doctor who immediately put us in touch with a maternal fetal medicine team at St Marks hospital in Salt Lake City. It was a bit disappointing when the doctors told us it was up to God to get it to 20 weeks and they would do their best to help me after that. 

My local doctor was amazing RIP Dr. Thomas. He saw me weekly to assure me that me and baby were doing fine. Monitoring everything closely! I received two shots a day of blood thinners in my stomach, took extra folic acid. Had blood tests weekly and monthly. Everything was going ok. At 20 weeks we returned to St Marks. The 20 week ultra sound looked good… It was a girl! Which was good news cause little girls are stronger we were told. But at 24 weeks things weren’t looking so good. The blood flow through the placenta was restricted. Again it was the holiday season. Thanksgiving weekend, they sent me home asking me back in 4 days instructed to plan on not going home. And sure enough on December 5^th we were hospitalized. 

The NICU doctor immediately visited and told us all the roads we were facing with a baby that delivers at 24 weeks. They expected me to deliver in the next few days. We proved them wrong! I cried everyday and was so scared. But our little angel held strong. We lived in labor and delivery at St Marks hospital for the next 4 weeks. The doctors were not sure if or when but knew our daughter would have to be taken out to save her life and mine at any given moment. But wanted to leave her inside as long as possible. We were able to have steroids for her lungs when I was 24 weeks pregnant. Her little heart rate would drop to almost a stop on the monitor and we would panic but doctors assured us she would let us know when it was time to get her out. 

On the night of Decemeber 27^th her little heart rate drops became more often and she had one that took over 5 minutes to recover...It was time. She was born at 9:09am December 28, 2008. Weighing only 2lbs 2oz. She was 29 weeks gestation.

We were warned of all the problems she would be facing we didn’t care we just wanted her to live! Having spent many days in the hospital room together my husband and I had a lot of time to talk and we decided this was too hard we couldn’t keep going through this and live or die this was our last attempt at a biological child. 

We decided to have my tubes tied. My doctor warned me of its permanence and we decided we were done. Our little miracle Brinlee Lapriel was a fighter from the get go. She was off the ventilator in just 14 hours. We lived the NICU rollercoaster for nearly two months. But on February 12, 2009 we brought home our little 4lb baby girl. What a miracle! I was pinching myself! Thankful for our little angel!

I can’t even explain what a relief it was to be done with the pregnant, baby rollercoaster. I was happy and complete. When Brinlee was about 11 months old I started having dreams of this little boy. I told my husband “someone in our life is having a boy”. To our surprise it was us! When Brinlee was just a year old we found out we were expecting…tubes tied and all!

Again we had immediate medical intervention. Two shots a day in my stomach, lots of pills and monitoring. There was something different this time I believed it could happen.. I believed we deserved to be happy! And I had seen it happen before. Much to the disbelief of doctors and myself my body cooperated fully this time and the baby grew normally and we were able to carry him to 37 weeks. Us along with a team of doctors just waiting for the inevitable decided to take the baby early to avoid the possible dangers that had happened three times before.

After three babies, I finally got to have one in a happy setting. My husband by my side Oaklee Raines was delivered at 4:13 on September 29, 2010. He was wrapped in a blanket and we were able to hold him and everything. I felt like I was living a dream! Shortly after birth our little man was having troubles breathing and was rushed off. I panicked and cried all those feeling you thought had gone away were there again. How can I be here with a baby in the NICU again?? As it turns out by taking Oaklee early by c-section he was unable to push the gunk out of his lungs and had a lung infection. Luckily he was only there 10 days and we were able to bring him home.

Now with a two year old and a almost 4 year old...healthy kids, not a day goes by I don’t thank the Lord for my beautiful babies! 

I feel unbelievably blessed every day of my life.

Those feelings are still there though.. 

When I read Charly Bellas blog for the first time, my heart broke for that family and their long journey ahead. I too was there when I just wanted her to live. God is good and miracles happen! Our beautiful Charly Bella is proof of that. God Bless her and her amazing family!"